It seems like in the country I live, a lot of us share the dream of becoming some kind of Rockstar at some point in our lives. We all tend to give up that dream eventually, either because we grow out of the idea or we put it aside it in favor of doing something more sensible when the reality of making a living kicks in. Quite honestly the idea of getting attention from large numbers of people gets more and more frightening as I get older. Almost anyone could tell you that it’s a trap just by looking at it.
I made a game called Duck Game. It originally released on the OUYA as a local multiplayer game, and since then I’ve ported it to Steam working with Adult Swim Games as a publisher. I’ve had help from other studios to get it on other platforms, and help from AS along the way advertising it and getting it to shows all around the world. Now it has thousands of faithful players and a number of active communities. I couldn’t be happier that the game has come to have meant something to someone, that I was able to help return a bit of the feeling I had playing games with my friends and family as a kid.
Duck Game has kind and helpful players, and it also has toxic players. It has modders and it has hackers. Cowboys and- well, cowboys. Cowboys aren’t all great. As someone who tries to be open and friendly to strangers, I met a lot of people online and made an effort to always respond to random messages and help in any way I could. If there’s an issue with my game that’s preventing people from playing I always want to hear about it, and I appreciate constructive criticism and feedback. Responding to everyone has always been a no-brainer.
It was easy early on, keeping in contact with ~ a dozen people and helping out with issues as they appeared. As time went on, I worked out many of the existing issues in the game thanks to people coming forward and reporting them. Some relationships turned to friendships and players started coming to me with ideas and feature requests. It was great, and getting to meet so many awesome people was an absolute highlight of my life. But as it turns out, the more attention you offer, the more is expected- and you become less capable of keeping up appearances as more and more people come to expect you to be there. There are some cursed things like this in life, where good intentions can lead to the opposite effect.
By keeping a friendly conversation with a dozen people, a dozen more new conversations would come. Being friendly led to a small group of people I could have a meaningful relationship with, but it also led to a much larger group of people who I was either unable to respond to or worse- who I was unable to keep up a sincere conversation with. It sometimes got to the point where I couldn’t keep up with everyone unless I spent the whole day chatting, and that’s when things started slipping. As things slipped, I’d spend more and more time apologizing to the people who I didn’t have time to talk to- which took time away from actually talking to people- which further led to the people I previously chatted with asking me why I was ignoring them. By trying to be honest and responsive, I found myself in a situation where continuing to do so became impossible. It’s like I had a whole cake to myself, and when people started asking for some I was more than happy to share. But there comes a point where you’ve got no cake left, and that’s what you need to be honest about when it happens. Otherwise, people will start to wonder why everyone else got cake and they didn’t. They’ll feel alienated and sad, and that’s awful.
Now for the dramatic bit, if you wanna look at it that way. I like to think I’m being dramatic because it helps take a bit of the weight out of things sometimes.
Imagine being happy in 2021
I spend most of my time sitting in front of my computer on autopilot, with a deep and uncomfortable twist in the pit of my stomach that spins itself up every morning. While I work, I’m ashamed that I’m not spending more time communicating with fans and friends. I’m worried about what people will think of me when I don’t respond. I’m worried that the game is broken and that someone is frustrated, or that they can’t afford it and all their friends want them to play. I’m worried that someone has something important to them that they want to share, and that they’ve got nobody to listen. That someone is going to feel alone. That someone is going to feel like the dev of a game they care so deeply about couldn’t give the other of two half-shits. I half heartedly work until I break down and shift gears back to communication. I apologize over and over again but I’ll inevitably leave again when the shame of unfinished work returns. Instead of buttering two toasts I slop the butter right down on the plate between them and hope that the toasts will be happy to see that I’m trying, and that it’ll be enough for my conscience to finally let me rest long enough to come back to both tasks with a new found energy and sincerity.
But I’m tired. I’m sorry, and I’m tired. Sorry. I won’t get started about how I feel when I’m not on my computer. Family, friends and health are most definitely the biggest victims of anxiety. I’m sorry to everyone I’ve been unable to talk to, either because of lack of time or lack of words. I’m really not the people person I thought I was.
It’s hard to have confidence in the idea that anything you do is worth the trouble, or that it is of any help to anyone when you do it in pain. It seems disrespectful and dangerous to do anything that involves other people when you’d rather be sleeping. But when sleep doesn’t cure that feeling, there’s a point where you need to get up and go for it anyway.
Been brave before, but this aint one of those times.
They’re rare, you know. And me admitting it, well, it’s about time.
Cause what you see,
Is what’s left of a thousand tons of rusted steel
Done up to look like it can run.
-A Thousand Tons, Matthew Good
It’s okay.
<3
Hey its me john from the qc discord you might not remember me but i was a guy who asked about ps 4 a bit im sorry that you are in soo much mental and physical stress i would like to help you but i think i cant but i would like to give you some tips you said that you have problems with responding just take your time and tell about this that there are too much and thats why it takes so long and that you also have a real live. i hope i could help you in the future, honestly this text even brought me a tear because i experienced extreme stress too and im only 13. I hope you can stand up again soon
Thanks for the advice, you’re already wise beyond your years and you’re absolutely right. I’ve been taking things one step at a time and trying to be honest about the situation. Sorry to hear that you’ve had hard times 🙁 life is cool but there are a lot of rough parts and sometimes it helps just to talk about it. I appreciate you coming forward about the PS4 version, please don’t ever feel like you added to my stress or anything like that by asking about it. I know that it has a lot of issues and I’m sorry that you’ve had to put up with them, it’s a crappy version but the rewrite is getting closer and closer to being finished and it’s going to be fixed this year. Thanks for your support and for your patience <3
Hey, thank you for sharing your feelings
I just want to tell you that it doesnt matter what you do with your life, if you answer to me or anyone else, I dont care
I understand thay I might not completely understand your struggles as I didnr get nor the benefits nor the dowmsides of fame, but I still hope that you dont let this get you down
If I write to you and you dont answer I dont think badly of you, and I think neither does anyone else.
I think the best thing I can wish for someone who made me happy in any way is happiness, no matter how, and that’s it
Sure, some people might put their happiness into how other people, [with whom they have no personal relationship] act towards them, but that’s their problem
Your game will always be one if my favourite things, thank you again
Hope you get no pressure from me, only good vibrs and wishes of happiness
Good luck!
(in response to xiggest)
You’ve got such a good way of looking at things, thanks for taking the time to write this. It means a lot that Duck Game was able to bring you some happiness, and being a part of that makes me happier than anything. I’ve gotten stuck in my own head over the last few years and I regret making this blog post. People are everything, they’re really are no burden at all and the problem lies within myself. Getting to talk with so many is an absolute blessing and I want to get that energy back and get back to normal. Thank you for being so honest, you’re a spark of light in this post.
Hi, I’m here to thank you for everything you done. I know is that you’re a great person. If I write you and you don’t answer me I will do not think anything bad about you.
I know a little what anxiety feels like, It happens to me sometimes (sometimes I just dessesperate because of things that are normal to me because of something getting in the middle of it).
I know that you’re passing a bad time, I know that you just want to do the things you usually do but you can’t and thats make you feel bad about it. The thing is, you don’t need to feel bad because of this such as: You don’t answer someone in a time. When you have the time for do so, then do it.
I’m doing some things such as creating characters for some projects that I got in mind and doing lotsa homework, and I just get stressed because of all the things I got in my head, for calming down the waters I just think about something: “Don’t worry about everything you want to do, just relax and do them one by one” And that always works for me.
Oh and I’m just 14 years but I understand you, I’m not english so maybe I’m missunderstanded something, but even, I know that it feels being stressed and anxious.
Some last things: Duck Game is a great game, I always play it and I never get bored of it.
And for the last one I wanted to tell that I just wanna hope you a great time for now on foward.
Thanks for the kind words man, your English is wonderful and you’re really thoughtful. I think you understand what I’m saying really well. Anxiety is a terrible thing, and I hope you don’t feel it too often. School can be a lot to deal with, especially when you have your own stuff you wanna get done! Being calm and doing the things you want to do “one by one” is a good way to deal with an overwhelming amount of things, and it took me until I was much older than 14 to start to understand that, so compared to me you’ve got it figured out really early. I’ve been feeling better, and regret making such a sad post. I really need to come up with something happier to say.. but- Thank you again for taking the time to relate and offer some good advice. And thanks for playing~
I think about this post often, and I’ve finally brought myself to writing a post on here. After seeing a bunch of internet personalities play your game, I picked it up on PS4 a few years ago and have loved playing it with friends. Since then, I’ve kept an eye on the blog cause I’ve always been interested in the game’s development given that it was all done by one person. Since I started following your journey with the game, I even graduated college. For most of my senior year through now, I’ve been going through many of the same struggles you’ve talked about here. When I get back from work, I feel like I should be doing more, but I often can’t bring myself to do much of anything because the anxiety of making the wrong decisions and failing paralyzes me. Throughout it all, it’s been really nice to read everything that you’ve written. Seeing your words have made me feel not so alone. I know that your post was written 7 months ago now (and I’m honestly writing this for my own sanity), but for what it’s worth… thanks for everything you’ve done between this blog and the game itself. I hope your doing better now and I’m looking forward to what’s to come. Whatever comes out of it, I’m just glad that one of my favorite games is still being supported.
Thanks for taking the time to write this man, hearing from someone else who feels the same goes a long way. I know these struggles don’t just go away but if we’re all fighting them together then at least there’s something cool about that. Anxiety is a horrible thing, it’s like your subconscious is watching you and just waiting for your confidence to waver so it can jump out and knock you off balance. Like you’re holding a vase and it comes to mind that the worst thing that could happen would be if you dropped it, so of course you hesitate and immediately fumble with it- and in your desperate attempts to catch it you end up tossing it out through the window and knocking someone out with it.
The fear of starting things is very real, and it can be especially bad if you’re too self conscious of your work when you’re in the beginnings of it. Drawing is the thing that I have a fear of starting with the most, it’s a bad one because you get to see your pictures pretty much immediately and that can be a real confidence killer. Sometimes I’ll feel like I should be drawing, I’ll get 5 minutes into it and look at the shitty doodle I’ve thrown down on the paper and think “Damn, wow. What a depressing lopsided piece of shit. Why do I do this to myself?”.. and I’ll stop. Put down the marker and feel worse than I did before. That experience sure makes it harder to start next time, because I really want to avoid having it again.
The only way I’ve really found to avoid my fear of starting things is to allot a certain amount of time to something when I start it. Make sure before I start drawing/playing guitar/whatever, that I have an hour or so to dedicate to it. I’ll set a timer and I’ll go to it, and I’m not allowed to stop until the timer is up. More often than not, by the time the alarm goes off I’m finally getting into my work and am either satisfied or not ready to stop. Making a habit of this kind of thing can help too, if you work to dedicate an hour every night to what you want to do then by the dozenth night or so it becomes a regular thing and a lot of that pressure of getting started is relieved. I sort of imagine that at the start of it there’s a feeling in the front of your mind saying “Well, I have to do this for an hour. I might as well do something…”, and by making it a habit maybe it eventually moves that thought into your subconscious so instead of actively thinking it you just sit down and get to work.
You get a lot of time to try things and to fail in life, and failing is a funny thing too because when you’re on the road to something you’ll find you’ve sort of failed a million times in retrospect. Today you’ll accomplish something and it’ll be awesome, a year later you’ll be doing things and look back at what you accomplished back then and think “Oh wow, that was pretty bad. I thought it was good then but I don’t now!”. So every success has the potential to seem like it was a failure one day. I think this is a good thing, though, and I’m motivated by it. Because it means that failure/success mean nothing at all to anyone but you. That original work was a success at the time- not because it’s objectively good or anything like that- but because it succeeded in satisfying your urge to do something, to learn, to express something etc. and that’s all that matters. It made you happy in the short term, and that needs to be the goal.
If someone with 10 years of experience can look back at something they did 5 years ago with disdain, then certainly someone just beginning can do it with something they did 5 minutes ago if they try. All that matters is that you’ve put in the time to be able to say that you did the best that you could do, and that this is the result of that. It doesn’t matter if it’s good, it doesn’t matter if it will make you money or if other people will like it. It’s just the best that you can do right now, and that makes it more important and more beautiful than the most technically impressive piece of work. If you keep it up, one day other people may start to notice what you’ve done. But even though they may seem to look at one accomplishment, as if it had come from the ether created by a profound talent that had it’s start in a prolific baby’s mind, that’s not what it is. What they’re looking at is all the time you’ve put in, all the personal successes and failures and all the emotions that have come with that. And It’s nothing special either, It’s just the best that you can do.
Thanks for replying, it really means a lot rn