It’s been a long time since I’ve posted or interacted or tried to write anything sincere, and I think the reason is because I’ve been finding it harder and harder to find anything positive to say. Not necessarily because of an actual deterioration of positive things in general but more because of a change within myself, both mentally and physically. There’s a bitterness growing inside of me and I don’t want it to show itself.
I’ve been having issues with stomach pain for the past 4 months, the first time in my life that I’ve had a chronic problem, one that’s changed the way I live and which feels like it will have no end. When you’re having a good day, working, walking, hanging out with friends, then pain bubbles up and pulls you out of it in an instant. People see it on your face and try to help, ask if you’ve talked to a doctor or tried this or that, but you’re tired of talking about it and just want it to go away. It’s hard to make plans when you’re not sure if this bout is going to last for hours or days. It makes me want to hide away until I know whether I’m coming or going, like a cat sitting out it’s illness under a pile of junk.
I’m not alone in this feeling, and it’s given me perspective. We never know where we’ll end up on the spectrum of suffering but I know many have it worse and I feel incredibly lucky to still have a pretty normal life. The thing I can’t seem to help, though, is that feeling of bitterness coming and going. Things I would usually enjoy- jokes that should be funny, good music or games that are really well made, even just wholesome experiences with people tend to have the opposite emotional effect when I’m in pain. It’s like an instinctual response, meant to shoo away beauty so my ugliness doesn’t rub off on it. In part, I understand what it’s like to be an ornery old man now.
There’s so much beauty in this world, despite the anxious people who claw at it in self defense because of their own suffering. We’re lucky to be living in this timeline and we all have so much potential. Especially with homes, jobs, education and healthcare, we’re so close to accepting one another and so many have the power to see the world for what it is and to love it, to love others and to help them have the same. It’s insane that people who have been given so much still find things to complain about, reasons to rip their own lives apart and to attack the things they love. How can we project our anxieties onto others and say “There, it’s you, not me. You’re the problem. I’m suffering because you’re having too much fun with life. How can you smile when you’re so full of shit? Shit that could blast out of your ass at any moment? How can you dance when you know there’s a spooky skeleton inside of you?”
To anyone I’ve kept waiting, hanging, hoping on my shoddy promises, I can’t help but spin my same lines and say “I’m sorry” again, like a tumbling CD player looping through it’s 5 seconds of anti-skip. I’m sorry. You’re not the problem. Like always, I’m the problem, I know it, and I’m still working on it and will be working on it till the bitter end. I just hate that the bitterness is showing itself. I’ve been given so much, have been so lucky to have lived so many good years and though I’m sure there are many more to come I believe that if it all ended tomorrow I’d have had more than my fair share of joy in this life. But, life continues whether or not you feel like your story has ended, and there tends to be more flailing than dialogue before the lights come back on.
You can bend, but you can’t break.
You can’t break.
Hey little girl, keep dancing.
Hey little girl, keep dancing alone.
Cause there’s not enough time in your life to stay here.
-Soldier’s Daughter, Tonic
I don’t have any great and big words of wisdom or encouragement here, and you’re likely tired of hearing those thrown at you on repeat every day, but what I’d like to say is that you are not your pain, and we appreciate you as you are, and (I hope most of us at least) understand, and wish you the very best. If you didn’t yet, then please have your tummy checked out, gut issues are always a long and unpleasant ride, and the sooner it is dealt with, the better.
If you need someone to talk to or just to hang out with no strings attached, my time zone is CET and my e-mail/DMs are open.
Other than that, stay safe, be brave and good luck!
Thanks man, I appreciate that. Your words are wise enough and they mean a lot! I’m sure it’s not a forever thing, I’ll get through it.
Look to the wisdom of those in constant pain! The bitterness comes and goes for them too.
So much of it is innate in us. Proclivities towards lashing out or shutting down vs. absorbing the shining moments and finding silver linings.
And then the lights go out and the cameras go away and they’re alone in their rooms writhing, unable to sleep. People want to spread hope. People turn away from pain and suffering.
But there is hidden community in pain, suffering! Connective tissue that the screens do everything they can to convince us isn’t there. Maybe if we could find a way to come together around pain and suffering the same way we come together around joy and celebration, we’d be more open to share those things around without worrying about killing the vibe. Better able to communicate the goodness in the bad and maybe convert those of us that refuse to look at it at all. Those of us in pain will be easier excused for being ornery old men.
Just stumbled upon this blog after finding out about Bendy.
Huge huge huge fan of Duck Game!
It has inspired me to make games of my own over the years and now I’ll be able to bend my silly little instruments with ease! Thank you!
Thank you, it’s given me a lot of insight into the way people act knowing that they might be hurting more than it seems! I’ve been learning to manage my stomach stuff and as it becomes more of a normal thing it gets easier to work through it and have fun regardless of it. It means a lot to hear that you’re a fan and your itch.io page looks very cool. Glad you like BENDY too! Just released a new version that should be way more stable so please give it a try and let me know if you run into anything. Thanks again for the message man, it made my day.
Yo Kin, G.
You probably don’t want to hear advice or anything but. I deal with migraines often, disabling quite often. I don’t have the most vibrant personality, and it has a lot to do with pain.
I rate most problems/disease/virus mostly just bad nutrition and or toxin. And that gut health is super important… Hope you get the balance of your gut biology okay, and feel good soon.
Thank you for your work.
Bendy is much needed for many.
Peace
This was a really thought-provoking post. We don’t know each other, but I felt like I should post something encouraging as a fellow creative professional, musician, and as someone who just had a whole year of rare but eventually surmountable illness. I hope it doesn’t sound too gushing, but I also hope you know all of this is sincere.
I want to first say that Duck Game has brought myself and my partner and my family and friends so much joy. It’s a default birthday activity, and an initiation rite for all new friends and acquaintances who pass through our home.
I played it for the 10000th or so time just a little while ago with my partner, my best friend, and his three-year old son, who demanded that we all “Please Just Play Duck Game Now” with him as soon as we got in the house, again throughout dinner, and still through his Mom opening her birthday gifts, on her actual birthday.
When we sat down to play, his happiness was infectious. He would giggle as he camped in behind a tree, aimlessly throwing boxes or inexplicably hitting us with mortars or sword-tosses dead-on. He formed alliances and broke them immediately (“Haha, I die you”), slammed the skip button when John Mallard came up (“More more more!”), and stayed up well-past his bedtime, literally nodding off mid-match with the controller in his hand. This is the same approach kids take to things like Halloween or Wiggles concerts or Laser Tag: The fun stops when I can’t move anymore.
I know you’re working on other stuff, and no one wants to be known for one thing, but in all my years writing songs, composing, and doing a variety of writing-related day-jobs, I don’t think I’ve ever made something so appealing and community-fostering as Duck Game. So I just wanted to tell that story and thank you, and say that I hope you feel better, and know that however long your next thing takes is fine, because we’ll all be excited for it.
Also as someone who’s currently getting into games composition, I want you to know that the Duck Game soundtrack spurred me on to learn FM Synthesis and dive into arcane composing methods for the Sega Genesis, which I use as a composition challenge if I’m not currently working on something. If you decided to do a vinyl pressing I’d probably be there day one to grab it, because it’s one of the greats!
Anyway, be well as you can, and I hope you don’t feel guilty if you don’t feel great. Life sucks sometimes, and it can be just as healthy to admit that’s where we’re at, as it can be to try and push past it. Thanks again for this post, and for working so hard on something so great.
I imagine it’s even more difficult when so many people know you for your work, but that hardly constitutes the deeper friendships that are needed when going through crap like this. If this helps, sometimes acknowledging the shit going on is one of the first things that disempowers the emotional weight of it. I’ll pray for you man, sorry to hear about everything going on.
Honestly, you’ve been a huge inspiration for me. Just trying a solo game dev now, and my whole day-job team has been playing duck game for lunch-hour for almost 3 years now. Eventually id love to make a spinoff 3d game
You’ve brought a lot of light and happiness to many people, but don’t let that become some form of obligation. The joy of creativity shouldn’t be crushed by the demands of other people. Hope you gain some strength and health – physically and emotionally.
Dunno your beliefs but I’ll say it anyways: God bless you man, I’ll be praying.
Peace