I’ve been spinning on trying to write something nice for a change, something more positive, and there are about half a dozen bits of new posts sitting in my drafts that I’ve tried to write since my last one in February. Some are just beginnings of ideas, while a few of them are flow blown posts that I finished and then decided weren’t any good.. but here we go again:
My last post was anxiety incarnate and I regret making it a bit, it was entirely full of bottled up feelings about a fear of getting attention that’s been left unchecked ever since I hid from my first birthday party. I think it came off as a bit of a ‘pains of fame’ cry to some, but that’s really not what it was meant to be. I’m not famous (thank god!), and my qualms about staying in touch with a large number of people are compiled from years of experiences that reach back to well before Duck Game. I think most people have felt overwhelmed with keeping up appearances at some point in their lives, especially in modern times. It’s hard to avoid having a somewhat gigantic group of people you keep in touch with when we all have such close and quick contact with each other via the internet. It’s amazing, it’s exciting, and maybe it’s a bit scary..
You too, can be like this.
We sort of live in an age of idols, where everyone has the chance to become famous overnight- you can casually post something cool or clever online and have it suddenly turn into an interaction with thousands of people. That’s really not something that existed in the world before the internet, and it’s a feeling that used to be reserved mainly for people who stepped confidently onto the stage. Imagine making a dumb joke while you’re just hanging around with your friends in the mall and suddenly the walls drop from around you to reveal a live studio audience, and they’re just losing it at how funny you are. It could be flattering, but maybe it’s more than a bit uncomfortable if you thought it was just you and your friends hanging out. Public spaces can be wild like that. Some people like the feeling, and some people don’t. But with the internet putting everything in front of so many people, the average person is a lot more likely to find out whether or not they want to be in the limelight these days.
I personally don’t like the feeling, it’s a nightmare! But I make games and try to keep up appearances on social media/write this blog, and these are things that draw attention. I’m not sure why I make video games exactly, but I’ve found that I can’t be happy without doing it. And I can’t make things well unless I’ve got someone to make them for, so I need someone to share them with. I was the most happy as a developer working with OUYA, and later with the old Adult Swim Games team (god, I miss them). At that time Duck Game was created solely for my friends here, my friends there, and for the people who played it at shows. The feeling of taking the game to shows- being able to stand anonymously at a distance watching people enjoy the game, along with being able to step in like a member of the crowd and just play it with everyone casually was the best feeling in the world. In those moments it wasn’t about some dude and his ego, it was about games and it was about having fun. I loved that nobody knew who I was- it was Adult Swim’s game.
So, I’ve been a recluse for the past few months. Tweeted that I was taking a short break in June and that’s what I did. Having had this break, and having discreetly returned back to work for a while has made me realize that the only way Duck Game PS4 is going to get finished- is if I hide away from distractions and from anxieties and just finish it. With my stage fright I find it’s about the only way to get things done. So that’s what’s happening, and I’ll be back when it’s finished.
When we look into the future to the place we haven’t gone, see what we haven’t done..
We have known it all along.
If we wait until tomorrow, will tomorrow ever come?
This is where we’re coming from, and we’re not the only ones.
When we find ourselves in trouble we can find ourselves away,
You can find a place to stay, and the place is always safe.
If you have a heart that’s in pain, don’t be afraid. You’re not to blame.
There’s a better world inside of us, where we always thought it was. You don’t need to hide.
You can open up your eyes and you’ll discover, that there is another world.
-Totally Stupid, Andrew W.K.